Madden's Birth Story 5 Years Later

My little guy turned 5 earlier this month and is starting kindergarten Tuesday.. it's all going by so fast it makes my head spin. I haven't ever wrote down what happened when I had him so my memory is a bit foggy but I figured I might as well try. 

The day I had him we switched hospitals, doctors, everything. I had been in active labor for 3 days, went to the U (where I was originally planning on having him) and had been sent home all 3 times. They would give me a shot of morphine (thank the lord for that tho) and send me home and tell me to come back when "it's really bad." I remember them telling me "you're in active labor but we won't admit you until you're dilated to a 3 or 1 week after your due date.. which was on the 21st of August, and this was happening on the 11th + 12th 😰 so imagine how bad I was freaking out haha. 

It just so happened that my in-laws sold a car from their dealership to an OBGYN that day. My MIL told him about our situation and he said to her, "if they send her home again, call me and I will deliver the baby." There's no way this was by chance.. that was the biggest blessing. 

So the third time they sent me home, we told the nurse that we were switching hospitals. As we were driving down the hill right as you leave the U of U hospital, my (now former) OBGYN FINALLY called me. Each day I was at the hospital all I asked was to speak to her, and they would never let me. So after a short phone call of her telling me she won't do anything until I'm a week over my due date, which mind you, would have been AUGUST 28th!!!! And told me that basically whatever doctor I was leaving to go to shouldn't induce me.

I was SO glad to not have her as my dr anymore. I never really liked her but didn't even know if I could switch doctors, or how insurance worked, all that stuff haha I was such a baby it's crazy to think about it now. 

We get to Davis hospital, get checked in, they give me a small dose of Pitocin, and immediately I'm at a 4. After that it was a waiting game like usual. I can't even remember when I started pushing but I remember it was like 2 or 3 hours.. but then again after the last 3 days I had had, I wasn't really all with it haha. 

Once the OGBYN got there, and again this is my first time ever even meeting him, he came and introduced himself and gave me a hug. That second I knew that my baby and I were in good hands. It was so comforting, and a completely different experience than I ever had with my doctor or the nurses or anyone at the U. 

Madden was so big ( 9lbs 14oz and 22 inches long) the doctor was having a hard time getting him out, he ended up getting him out with a vacuum, the first thing I saw was his poor little head, and just this huge, perfect baby. But there really wasn't any crying after they took him to the little bed or whatever it is. I just kept asking "is he okay, is he okay?" and he was completely fine, just was being a chill little dude like he always was until he turned 2 lol. 

I finally got to hold him and my whole world changed. He has been my little protector since day one. And now he's the best protector for me and his little sister. Madden is so sweet, tender hearted, silly, I could go on and on but he mostly LOVES to make people laugh and smile. One of my favorite things he has been saying lately is "Does that make your heart happy, mama?"

I can't believe it's been 5 years! I can't believe he is starting kindergarten! Ah all of it just blows my mind. But my hell I love that kid more than life. It's been a crazy ride, and I will always work towards giving him and his sister everything they deserve in life. 

Sorry

     Let me start by saying that I understand. I get why becoming an instant parent seemed too overwhelming at times. I understand I put more on you than I should have, and at times I expected way more from you than I should have. Ultimately I can't blame you for changing your mind about being a family with us.
     I'm sorry. And not in the way that you're thinking. Let me explain.. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry that you aren't going to get to watch these kids you fell in love with grow up. I'm sorry that you couldn't see that the sacrifices were worth it. But mostly I'm sorry that you don't get to keep experiencing the unconditional love these children show.
     But again, I get it. You didn't get to experience my children when they had just been born. You didn't get the new born baby smell that somehow makes your heart more full than you could ever imagine. You got the hard toddlers, the potty-training, and the talking back. 
     I get that missing out on nights out, doing whatever you wanted whenever you wanted to is hard. Hell, my kids are 4 and 3 and I still have a hard time with it. I get that the idea of spending your weekends coaching soccer or football doesn't sound very "fun" right now in your life. I don't blame you. But what you don't realize is that you're going to miss out on seeing them score the winning goal, and looking at you right after to make sure you were watching. You're going to miss out on being their number one fan, and them being yours. You're going to be missing out on a lot of things.
     You're going to do amazing things in your life, I'm sure of it. I just hope you remember that no matter how successful or wealthy or smart you become, nothing will make you feel whole until you get that type of love. And maybe it's not going to be "your" kids. Maybe it will be nieces, nephews, or even friends kids who will do that for you. I still have a lot of learning to do, but I truly think the way for all of us to make an impact in this world is through children. Teaching, and learning from them. That's what life is all about, for me at least.

Being Hurt

     I've been staring at this blank screen for months. Trying to find not only the words, but the courage to write. Sometimes things don't seem real until you write them out. So here goes nothing..
     It's only been about 4 months. When you say it out loud it doesn't seem like its been a very long time, but for me the last 4 months have been a never-ending hell. Of course you have good times, those moments of laughs and joy that flicker in and out of this depression that has been coursing through my body.
     You see, I'm the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. Who tries to give a little bit of herself to everyone. I'm the type of person that falls so madly in love with someone that I start to forget about life before them and all I can see is a life with them. BUT I have two children... Two amazing little people who make life so much more meaningful, exhausting, and fun. And I feel like if I can help anyone that has gone through the heartache and pain that i've been through, and to know that they aren't alone, then being vulnerable by writing this is worth it.
     I thought I finally had found it. I thought that all the pain and hurt from my divorce was finally vanishing by finding him. I found a man who not only loved me, but loved my children. Who was good to me, probably too good to me. And who stepped in as a father figure when there wasn't one around. Often times I thought to myself that this is too good to be true, and that he would realize he was much better off without me and all of the baggage I had brought into our relationship. But time kept going.. and he stayed. Things weren't always easy.. I'm not an easy person to love and parenting(especially children who aren't yours) isn't easy either.
     Fast forward to when things got harder and life got more complicated. When he realized you weren't mentally, or emotionally strong enough to move across the country with him.. And you realized it too. To giving the ring back. To trying to forget all the promises and plans we had for our lives. To watching him drive away.. with your whole entire heart, across the country. To sitting in front of your kids with your stomach in your throat and tears in your eyes trying to explain what had happened.
     I could never have any hard feelings towards him. He showed me a love I didn't know exist, and when I needed it the most. He believed in me, and even though it was only for a short time, it was long enough for me to start to believe in myself. But that doesn't mean it's easy. And that doesn't mean I understand it. I have days where I can't keep it together and I get stuck in my head wondering why I'm not good enough.. and why it seems like I never had anyone fight for me.. It's always been me fighting. I often feel like maybe I'm just not worthy of love, and that people always leave once they really get to know me. But I also have days where I feel like I am enough, and that one day I'm going to have someone fight for me. And that even if I can't always see it, I have something to give. That I am worthy of love, and not just a mediocre love, but the love you dream about since you were a kid. Because no matter how much all of us like to act cold and hard, we all want that love. But a love like that takes work, and time, and two people who are willing to put in 100%. Relationships aren't 50/50. It takes two people who will both willingly put 100% to make something truly beautiful. 
     I'm pretty lucky that my kids are so young and they won't remember this.. But it makes me that much more scared for the future. Dating is hard, trying to decide if you should ever introduce your kids to someone ever again is hard. Kids don't get enough credit for how aware and in tune they are with the things that are going on in your lives. They experience the heartbreak with you, even if they can't communicate it you. I've seen this first hand, and kids don't deserve that. If I've learned anything, It's that there are people out there who will love your children like their own.. but you need to be very careful on who you let into their lives, because we as parents can deal with being hurt and heartbroken.. but it's a different story when your kids get hurt from you actions. 
     To the people who think or want to date a single parent, please please please put some serious thought and prayer/pondering (whatever you believe in) into it. And I understand you never really know what you're getting yourself into when dating a single parent.. and that no matter what, things might just not work out. But don't be so careless to come into a child's life and think just because they are young, or because it wasn't a very long time that you aren't going to impact their lives. And yes, it's true, they may never remember or know.. But you will. And sometimes that's almost worse. 
   
   

    Today was a pretty typical day for us. After I had gotten out of school and picked them up we came home and played. Then it was dinner time, and getting in the tub together and then running around the house chasing each other and finally, bed time. That's pretty much our usual routine. Tonight ended a little different.

     Oaklee is teething right now, normally she is the most amazing little sleeper I could ask for.. Madden on the other hand... is polar opposite. So as I was getting Oaklee to bed, Madden must have somehow gotten the toothpaste from my bathroom (which I had put up high so he couldn't get it because toothpaste is his favorite treat.) He comes running up to me and is COVERED in toothpaste. I'm talking about his whole body covered in blue toothpaste.. and I can just envision what is next. So I walk into my room and there it is, clumps of toothpaste all over my bed, my pillows, and the towels that we had just used from getting out of the tub with.

     Now let me just say that I am exhausted. I mean, mind body and soul exhausted. And honestly I don't really know why. I know I kind of have a lot on my plate right now but at the same time I know people who have MUCH more than I have and they are doing just fine. But me? Not doing so hot right now. But anyways, as I'm cleaning up this mess I just start crying. I'm an emotional wreck as it is as of late so when little episodes like this happen it's never any good haha.

     It got me thinking about how hard being alone is. Because it truly is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Now honestly I wasn't in a very good marriage, but there were good times. And for the most part it felt like I always had someone, regardless if I did or didn't. I guess the whole "marriage" thing just makes it seems that way, who knows. But now? Now this is hard for me. It's so hard to come home after a long day when you just feel beat up at every corner you turn and come home to no one. I live with my family so obviously I'm not really coming home to "no one" but to a significant other.

     All growing up I always felt like I needed someone to make me feel like I was worth anything. I needed a boyfriend, or attention from lots of guys to feel like I was important. I've realized now, that I don't need anyone. Truly NEED. But I will admit, on days like today. I WANT it. I want to feel like I have someone to talk to, to cry on their shoulder. And to tell me stupid things like everything is going to be okay. I don't' want a boyfriend.. or anything of the sort. Because I am not in a place in my life where I can have that, nor ready for it. And I don't know if I ever will be.. So for the time being I guess I'm just going to have to get used to doing things on my own.. And each new day I can wake up and say I made it another day. That may sounds insanely cheesy but honestly, that and my babies are the only things that keep me going.

     People tell me all the time that things will start to get better. I'm just hoping that one day they really will be. Until then I'm just trying to do my best and truly trying to see all my blessings instead of seeing all the things that have gone wrong. Everyone who has supported, helped, and loved me and my babies, I seriously can't thank you enough. I truly love all of you. xo

   

right now

     Life is funny. At least that's what I try to tell myself.. that this is funny. That one day I will look back and laugh. But lately, life hasn't been all kicks and giggles. Life has been actually extremely hard. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb about to explode.. that any minute now I'm going to explode and damage everyone around me. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I never thought I would be in the position that I am in right now. When I got pregnant (for the first time) I never thought I would be in that position.. Now here I am- almost 3 years later.
     A lot can happen in 3 years. It seems like a lifetime has happened in the past 3 years of my life. And now here I am.. feeling like I have been thrown back to when I was in high school, only now I have two babies to take care of,  car insurance, hospital and doctors bills, work, and school. And as of late I don't feel like I can do it. I know so many amazing single mothers, who can do it all and still keep it together. But I feel like that I can't. And what's even more sad is that I have AMAZING people helping me all the time. The greatest grandparents, aunts, and uncles to my kids that I seriously could have ever asked for. But that being said, I am the mom. I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Granted I'm writing this after a very long, exhausting, day with my kids. Days like these come often lately.. A two year old who has hit is terrible two's VERY hard and a one year old who so sweet, wonderful and clingy.
     Most days we don't get out of the house because it isn't worth the battle. If we do go anywhere it either has to be with someone else, or if I need to go somewhere badly enough it normally ends abruptly because of a screaming kid. I'm not writing this for people to feel bad for me. I don't want that. If fact, I'm very sick of the looks that I get from people that think they know what's going on. I know most of them mean well.. but for me? For me this is embarrassing. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm a single mom of two wonderful babies living with my parents and scraping to get by. This isn't me. And I'm trying to figure out how I got here.
     I try really hard to believe that everything happens for a reason. That bad things do happen to good people.. because I would like to consider myself a good person. I'd like to think that I haven't done anything too terrible in my life.. So why? Why is all of this happening to me? I don't want to throw a pity party. And I know deep down that everything happening to me is a consequence of my decisions, one way or another. But that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make the days where I can't even get to my car fast enough because I'm crying easier. I feel defeated.
     I keep telling myself I need to go on a vacation before I completely lose it.. But I know the second I leave my sweet babies I will be a mess. Isn't that so funny? You can be so mad/tired/frustrated with your kids and the second they fall asleep, or they give you a kiss, or you have to leave for school you want to be with them right away. I'm really just rambling and there really isn't even a point to this post other than I just want people to know that I don't want sympathy, and I feel like a lot of people think that.. What I want more than anything is for people to understand me.
     This isn't how I wanted my life, or my children's life to be. But I have finally accepted the fact that this is the way that it is. And all I want is to give my kids everything they deserve.. I'm going to work my butt off because one day I'm going to buy a house and fix it up, that's always been a dream of mine. And I know that I can do it by myself, and I will. And I'm going to get my little babes a golden doodle puppy. And they probably won't be babies by the time that it happens, but one day, one day it will. Because I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.. But they aren't one. They give me meaning every day. Even when I have to leave somewhere, embarrassed out of my mind, because my kids love to kick, scream, and pull my hair.
     I may not entirely believe in marriage anymore and love between two people, and I hope one day I will again. But I know that there is no love in the world like the love that I have for my babies. And I hope that days like today, I can either write, read, or just sit back and realize that I am so immensely blessed to have them. Because they are worth every heartache and heartbreak and I'm grateful to be their momma.

negative

 I have got to get a couple things off my chest so.. here it goes.

     Let me first say that until you are in the position of having a baby young or before you are married you will never know how hard it is. Now with that being said, I want to thank everyone who has supported Drew and I through this whole thing so-far. The love and support you guys give us makes things a million times easier. 

     Yesterday I got to see my little man and it was honestly a life changing experience. The love I have for him already is overwhelming. I got to see the baby that i'm having with the man I love. Yesterday was absolutely amazing. Of course we put it on Facebook because we wanted to share this exciting time with people that we love and care about. We got many, many comments on how excited other people are and congratulating us on this amazing thing! We get to bring a little boy into the world. To me, life is a blessing. Regardless of what age you are. 

     Now, I knew that going into this we were going to face people saying negative things about us and our situation. That's just the way life is, no matter what situation you're in someone always seems to have something negative to say about it. I saw something yesterday that completely blew my mind. It was directly aimed towards me without actually saying anything about me. 

     If you honestly think that congratulating a teen/unwed mom about their pregnancy is wrong then i seriously think there is something wrong with you. You don't want to congratulate me because I had sex before I was married?? Are you kidding me? Here's the truth, you would be shocked at how many "kids" have/are having sex.You'd be surprised at how many people get abortions. And you think, because we are stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for our actions that we shouldn't be congratulated because we are young? 

     To me, this is one of the biggest reasons why so many people hate Utah and hate the "Utah mormons" People are SO judgmental it is ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that teen pregnancy is a good thing, or that kids should be trying to get pregnant. Not in the slightest. But I did something that honestly about 70% of kids are doing and I happened to end up pregnant. We're the one who have to pay the price of having a child young, We're the ones who have to give up things for our baby, and we're the ones who maybe don't have a set future.. but are doing everything that we can for our baby. And yet there are people out there who think they are "too good" to be happy for us, praise us, etc. It disgusts me. 

     Life is life. That's how I look at it. I have always thought that way and I always will. Now listen, I know there are going to be some of you who read this and want to put your two cents in and that's fine. Teen pregnancy has turned into quite the topic lately and everyone has their own view on it but if you think because you are older than me, have had kids, or better than me and want to say something about it and haven't been in this situation then feel free to keep it to yourself because I could care less about your negative comments. 

     Again, I never said I was happy about the choices that led me here but I am doing what I can to make the very best of the situation that I am in. And for those of you who have a problem with that you can remove yourself from my life. Thank you. 

There is always hope.

     In the last couple of months i've been going through things that I didn't think i'd ever have to go through. I feel like my life is just slipping through my fingers. That all my dreams and goals I had are starting to fade away and all I can do is watch it happen. That isn't true though, I know that I can do anything that I want to but that's just how I feel. I feel like I'm pushing people away who mean the most to me because i'm scared about what the future brings. I'm scared of getting hurt.

     I've never felt so alone in my life. Yet I am constantly surrounded by people who love me. Why? Is it because I want to stay in my little bubble of self pity or is it because I feel like I don't deserve their love. I've never disappointed so many people at one time. And to be honest, after awhile that starts to weigh on you. Thinking about all the people I've hurt and disappointed honestly makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I hate having to face people who thought better of me. I hate to see people's reactions when they find out what is going on in my life.

     I've been judged quite harshly in my life, I've had many terrible things said about me in the past. I'm not the only one that that has happened to, i'm not that dense to think that i'm the only one in the world who has been judged. But never in my life has it affected me like it has the past couple of months. I don't want to see people I know. I don't want to talk to my family members. I have pushed away everyone. My friends I've had since I was in elementary school, my best friend, my family, and God. And I can't figure out why I do that. 

     The truth is, i'm sick of getting lectured. I'm sick of getting the "looks" all I want is people to realize that i'm the same Maloree that i've always been, I just have to grow up a bit sooner than I expected. It's funny the way the human mind works, you can hear a million positive things and one negative thing will destroy you. That's all you think about, all you focus on. I've had too many people tell me that I can't do this, that i'm setting myself up for failure. I never understood how powerful support was until I didn't have it from the people who I thought would always support me no matter what. 

     I wouldn't change this for the world. It's hard, extremely hard but I just have to trust God that he wouldn't put me up to something that I couldn't handle. Sometimes life is just not what you expected but that doesn't mean you've failed. There is always hope.